Sunday, 8 May 2011
bad days just make me more determined
Didn't have the best day today,didn't help that the husband was in a bad mood too. ENded up crying and falling into a deep dark hole for a few hours,a place I hate falling into. Managed to climb out,and really feel determined to get better,hopefully without the need for meds. Have an appointment with Dr k tomo eve,will be requesting counselling and hopefully she won't push me to give the meds another go. I will get better. I will be happy.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Finally it's out in the open
So since I last wrote, I have finally admitted that I have been suffering from Post Natal Depression.Only to Lee though, dont need anyone else knowing at the moment, couldnt cope with that.
It started with the baby blues the first week of having Louis. Then things kind of got worse, I suddenly felt guilty all the time, very alone even though I had people around me, and just very detached from life. Getting out of bed in the morning became a struggle and I had no motivation. No one would ever know I was going through this, I covered it up so well. My darkest moments were when I was up with Louis in the night, I would sit and feed him and cry. Then once he started sleeping through, I would wake up in the night and go sit in the lounge and cry, about anything and everything then come back to bed at the wee hours in the morning. Lee, being the heavy sleeper that he is, was none the wiser and so this helped me to keep everything covered up.
One day, when Louis was about 11months old I just broke down and blabbed everything out to Lee. I felt an instant lift as soon as it all came out. Lee helped me to pluck up the courage to go and see a Doctor a few weeks later, it took me a while to admit to even myself that I needed to speak to a professional. Lee came with me to my first appointment and the doc was amazing. She made me book another appointment and to come back on my own, having filled out a sheet about my feelings over the next 2 weeks.
That was my appointment yesterday, where I spent the whole time crying! (this seems to be a common theme!) She prescribed me anti depressants called Citalopram. It felt very strange to say I was about to be on anti depressants, and took me about an hour to pluck up the courage to take the damn pill. I very stupidly googled the drug and learnt all about the side affects people face on this drug. After thinking all about the pros and cons I took the pill and tried not to think about the alleged side effects.
Everything was going well untill 2am when I woke up in a hot sweat, panicky and very very restless. Was a hideous feeling, totally out of control. Needless to say I didnt get back to sleep, I could hardly function, I just felt so spaced out and off this planet, something I dont want to feel again. I took the day off work, only my 3rd day back since maternity leave, and spent the whole day in bed trying to calm down and stop freaking out.
After a lot of googling and reading up on PND, I have decided I am not going to continue with the drugs. I know you should give them 2 weeks to kick in and get over the side affects but I havent got 2 weeks to spare, I cant take any more time off work and there is no way I could work in that state. Have booked another appointment with Dr K on Monday and discuss the idea of counselling rather than drugs and see how that goes.
Ultimately I just want to feel happier. To have more happy days than sad one. And to enjoy my life as a Mummy, thats all I want.
It started with the baby blues the first week of having Louis. Then things kind of got worse, I suddenly felt guilty all the time, very alone even though I had people around me, and just very detached from life. Getting out of bed in the morning became a struggle and I had no motivation. No one would ever know I was going through this, I covered it up so well. My darkest moments were when I was up with Louis in the night, I would sit and feed him and cry. Then once he started sleeping through, I would wake up in the night and go sit in the lounge and cry, about anything and everything then come back to bed at the wee hours in the morning. Lee, being the heavy sleeper that he is, was none the wiser and so this helped me to keep everything covered up.
One day, when Louis was about 11months old I just broke down and blabbed everything out to Lee. I felt an instant lift as soon as it all came out. Lee helped me to pluck up the courage to go and see a Doctor a few weeks later, it took me a while to admit to even myself that I needed to speak to a professional. Lee came with me to my first appointment and the doc was amazing. She made me book another appointment and to come back on my own, having filled out a sheet about my feelings over the next 2 weeks.
That was my appointment yesterday, where I spent the whole time crying! (this seems to be a common theme!) She prescribed me anti depressants called Citalopram. It felt very strange to say I was about to be on anti depressants, and took me about an hour to pluck up the courage to take the damn pill. I very stupidly googled the drug and learnt all about the side affects people face on this drug. After thinking all about the pros and cons I took the pill and tried not to think about the alleged side effects.
Everything was going well untill 2am when I woke up in a hot sweat, panicky and very very restless. Was a hideous feeling, totally out of control. Needless to say I didnt get back to sleep, I could hardly function, I just felt so spaced out and off this planet, something I dont want to feel again. I took the day off work, only my 3rd day back since maternity leave, and spent the whole day in bed trying to calm down and stop freaking out.
After a lot of googling and reading up on PND, I have decided I am not going to continue with the drugs. I know you should give them 2 weeks to kick in and get over the side affects but I havent got 2 weeks to spare, I cant take any more time off work and there is no way I could work in that state. Have booked another appointment with Dr K on Monday and discuss the idea of counselling rather than drugs and see how that goes.
Ultimately I just want to feel happier. To have more happy days than sad one. And to enjoy my life as a Mummy, thats all I want.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Staying in for the day can be as fun as going out!
Today has been eventful in a non-eventful way, I havent been out apart from nipping to the shops at 9 this morning. We had to stay in as we were having the windows fixed in the flat, so I decided to make mince pies for the first time! I have to admit I didnt make my own mincemeat but did make my own pastry. Sadly the only problem being on a diet is that its hard to be so strong willed and resist devouring the fruits of my labour.I had 2 pies, well they were falling apart and too crumbly to serve to anyone, so I suppose that doesnt count? I wont tell if you dont! As well as learning that I am quite a good little pastry chef, I also learnt that Louis can actually go down for a nap without screaming for 20 minutes. Today he simply lay down in his cot, and that was it, out for the count, for a good hour,woooohoooo! I also learnt that Louis can eat a half a rice cracker all on his own, without dropping it, squishing it or throwing it on the floor, a big achievement in mealtime ettiquette! Ah the excitement of being a domesticated mummy.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
How do people look after babies when poorly?
So today I had my first glimpse into what it will be like when properly poorly and having Louis to look after. I didnt like what I experienced.
Tuesdays are what I call 'Fat Day' I get weighed at Slimming World at 10am, come home and eat rubbish, then end up going to bed feeling sooooooooo sick from all the junk I have consumed in one day.
Today I came home, ate some toast, white bread,none of this healthy malarky on a Tuesday. Had a few other calorific items ad then decided enough was enough for the time being. A few hours later I suddenly felt very very sick, was going hot and cold and couldnt keep my eyes open. Louis was screaming to be picked up and when he was sat on me, I felt even worse. What do I do? I couldnt bear the thought of having to feed him his lunch of macaroni cheese with peas, but couldnt leave the child to starve and cry.
Before I got out the phone and beg for the husband to get home from work immediately, Louis decided he was happy enough to play on the carpet for an hour, with the help of CBeebies and I managed a quick doze. I wish I could say I woke up refreshed and raring to go, but Im the type of person that even after 3 days of sleep, I would never have that feeling!!!
Not sure why I am doing this!
Since 11:47 on the 30th of April 2010, my life has changed dramatically,I am now a Mummy! No longer can I decide to just spend the whole day in bed, or go shopping without buying something small and cute, my life is now consumed with my love and obsession for my gorgeous son Louis Monty!
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