So since I last wrote, I have finally admitted that I have been suffering from Post Natal Depression.Only to Lee though, dont need anyone else knowing at the moment, couldnt cope with that.
It started with the baby blues the first week of having Louis. Then things kind of got worse, I suddenly felt guilty all the time, very alone even though I had people around me, and just very detached from life. Getting out of bed in the morning became a struggle and I had no motivation. No one would ever know I was going through this, I covered it up so well. My darkest moments were when I was up with Louis in the night, I would sit and feed him and cry. Then once he started sleeping through, I would wake up in the night and go sit in the lounge and cry, about anything and everything then come back to bed at the wee hours in the morning. Lee, being the heavy sleeper that he is, was none the wiser and so this helped me to keep everything covered up.
One day, when Louis was about 11months old I just broke down and blabbed everything out to Lee. I felt an instant lift as soon as it all came out. Lee helped me to pluck up the courage to go and see a Doctor a few weeks later, it took me a while to admit to even myself that I needed to speak to a professional. Lee came with me to my first appointment and the doc was amazing. She made me book another appointment and to come back on my own, having filled out a sheet about my feelings over the next 2 weeks.
That was my appointment yesterday, where I spent the whole time crying! (this seems to be a common theme!) She prescribed me anti depressants called Citalopram. It felt very strange to say I was about to be on anti depressants, and took me about an hour to pluck up the courage to take the damn pill. I very stupidly googled the drug and learnt all about the side affects people face on this drug. After thinking all about the pros and cons I took the pill and tried not to think about the alleged side effects.
Everything was going well untill 2am when I woke up in a hot sweat, panicky and very very restless. Was a hideous feeling, totally out of control. Needless to say I didnt get back to sleep, I could hardly function, I just felt so spaced out and off this planet, something I dont want to feel again. I took the day off work, only my 3rd day back since maternity leave, and spent the whole day in bed trying to calm down and stop freaking out.
After a lot of googling and reading up on PND, I have decided I am not going to continue with the drugs. I know you should give them 2 weeks to kick in and get over the side affects but I havent got 2 weeks to spare, I cant take any more time off work and there is no way I could work in that state. Have booked another appointment with Dr K on Monday and discuss the idea of counselling rather than drugs and see how that goes.
Ultimately I just want to feel happier. To have more happy days than sad one. And to enjoy my life as a Mummy, thats all I want.
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